Maternal Hope

The rest of the story

2012-02-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

I think I left off with them taking Abby up to the NICU. Apparently she had a weird breathing pattern of a minute or something like that. Anyway they took her back up to the NICU and hooked her up to the monitors. I think they were saying that her blood glucose levels were low, too. So she was getting her levels checked all the time (I watched them once - prick in the heel and seemed like a lot of blood they needed for this test...). For a day or so she was getting that done. Finally they were happy with the blood levels. However, then they found that her heart rate was dropping every now and then (bradycardia). Sometimes it would come right back up, but sometimes they would have to go over to her and pat her back or something to get her heart rate back up. Her lips would start turning blue a little, too. So they were concerned about this and we did an Upper GI x-ray to see if she had reflux (which came back negative). She kept having these until Thursday night. Eventually they decided it probably was reflux because sometimes when it happened she would have some spit-up in her mouth. They started her on some reflux medications and since then she hasn't had a single Apnea/Bradycardia. But they wanted to watch her for 5 days before they discharged her. It was a very long 5 days.

When they took Abby upstairs, I was still trying to feed her. I was able to nurse Alyssa in my room without much of a problem. Sometimes the nursery would feed her if we were up in the NICU. She was pretty natural at it. There was one time though that I could not get her to eat. She was screaming and screaming and it had been like 5 hours since she had eaten. I finally called the lactation lady. She came in, patted Alyssa on the back, gave her back to me and she ate. I was a little annoyed that it was so simple, but it worked. I think we were both getting a little too worked up about it.

Anyway, I was trying to get upstairs to the NICU as much as possible to feed Abby and be with her. I put a lot of wear on that wheelchair. Abby was pretty good at nursing, too. She liked it much more than the bottle. But...since I couldn't be at every feeding she got a lot of bottles, too. Then the NICU nurses and Drs, started to get really concerned about her weight. She was not eating the supposed minimums and was losing weight (NORMAL!) I am really annoyed looking back. All babies lose weight after they are born. Why was it so nerve-wracking for her to lose weight for a week and then start gaining weight. She didn't lose too much anyway. So they didn't want me to nurse. They said that she was working too hard to get milk and that she was losing too many calories nursing....another thing that annoys me looking back. I had a great milk supply. Actually I was over-producing because I pumped like crazy trying to get enough milk for twins (my mom and sisters were never able to produce enough milk so I was really trying to stimulate...it worked a little too much). Anyway I know she was getting a lot of milk. But they were concerned because she would only go about 10 minutes for me. (which is exactly what Alyssa ate and did just fine...the milk was coming out really fast). So they didn't want her nursing. They gave her my expressed milk with some formula mixed in for extra calories. She was pretty hit or miss on the feedings. She never did take the bottle well from me. She always wanted to nurse. Eventually they let me nurse again but then always gave her the bottle after to make sure that she got enough.

At this point Alyssa and I had been discharged from the hospital and we were all staying at a hotel down the street so that I could bounce between the two girls. If I thought going upstairs and downstairs in my nightgown was hard, going from the hotel to the NICU was worse. I was still just a few days from the c-section so walking was hard/slow/painful. I could no longer go to any of the night feedings. Which since i couldn't feed her during their shift change left me only a few feedings during the day. The second or third day I didn't go to the hospital almost at all. I was so worn out and sore, I could barely move. So I stayed and fed Alyssa and pumped for Abby. We were getting pretty impatient with the Drs. Abby seemed like she was doing just fine (which she was) and they were going to discharge us with her on a monitor anyway. We can pat her on the back, too. But finally Tuesday (8 days...) they discharged her and we all got to come home. It was so so wonderful to all be home, to all be together. I could feed the girls and get the rest I needed. I do think that having to get up and walk around so much at the beginning did help me to become more mobile faster. I don't know though- I still have some pain with my incision.

Alyssa continued to nurse well but Abby never really nursed the same again. For a long time, I would try to nurse her as long as she would go and then give her the bottle. She now only takes a bottle. I miss her nursing. It is nice to have others feed her, too, but I actually like nursing, and I'm a little bummed that she used to be so good at it and then never went back. I maybe could have pushed her harder to nurse, but I didn't. I now have the opposite problem with Alyssa: she only nurses. I left her with Grandma and Grandpa the other day and she didn't remember how to eat from the bottle. She ate like 1 oz. She just chews on it. So we are trying to have bottle practice so that I can leave her if I need to. It is still a struggle to get past 1-2 ozs.

Abby never had any more problems with the apnea/bradycardias. The monitor was super annoying and after a couple months of it only going off because we would pull the leads out, we stopped using it. She is now also off her medication and has no reflux whatsoever (we did talk with the Dr before we stopped the meds...just not the monitor). Her brain seems to be doing ok. The MRI after she was born showing mild hydrocephalus but also partial agenesis of the corpus callosum. We will see if that finished developing in March. Her corpus callosum was only 60% of what it should normally have developed to.

That was quite the ramble (and I'm not going to read through it, sorry if there are any errors or things that don't make perfect sense, I'm trying to rush through before Alyssa wakes up). I cut out a lot - since we were in the hospital for 5 days and Abby for 8 days, there are a lot of stories. Maybe I'll try to put some shorter ones up. But this was our NICU. Not the best experience, but I'm sure the NICU never is. At the end of the day, we are so happy to have our daughters, so happy to be at home with them, and so happy that they are healthy and happy.

The Story...finally

2012-01-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks Krista for reminding me that I never even wrote up my birth story! It will probably take a few days. so this is part 1 of who knows how many. I will try to finish it up before Krista has her little boys.

At 36 weeks I went in for my final check-up with the perinatologist. The goal was to see when we could deliver. My OB and I were planning on trying to go at 37 weeks. I was getting pretty big and had been on bed rest for a while (11 weeks). The perinatologist said everything looked good so we scheduled a C-section for Monday, October 10, 2011. Apple (Alyssa) had actually turned head down during that last week, but we were still concerned about Bluebear (Abby) and twins and so we stayed on course for the c-section. We scheduled our surgery for 9:45 am on the 10th. My parents and two of my younger siblings came down late Sunday night (like midnight) from Utah so they could be there. My dad, brother and sister were just going to stay one day and my mom a week.

Sunday night, we were so excited. It was very hard to get to sleep. We stayed up making sure the house was all ready, our bags were all ready and trying to make sure we didn't forget anything. I think it was close to 1 am before we went to bed. So much for trying to get a good night's sleep and be well rested for the day...

About 2 am, I got up for one of my nightly pee breaks. Halfway between the bed and the bathroom my water broke. there was really no mistaking that feeling. It would alternate between trickles and gushes of water. I don't remember how I woke Mark up but we then sat in the bathroom for a while discussing whether we should wait until morning and go in as scheduled. We decided it was time to go to the hospital. Despite all our preparation the night before, it took us a good while to get out the door. I wasn't having any contractions at this point so we didn't feel a whole lot of urgency.

We live about 30 minutes from the hospital and Mark was getting us there as fast as he could. I'm not sure how much was him being anxious to get there or that he finally had a good reason to speed and a completely deserted freeway to do it on.... We called my parents who had barely gone to sleep in their hotel and told them we were on the way. They walked over from their hotel and met us as we pulled up to the hospital. I had started contracting pretty bad during the drive. Starting from no contractions when we left I was fairly consistently 3-4 minutes apart....and they hurt.

We were given a room without delay and the nurse started going over my details and such. It seemed to take forever. The contractions were getting closer and closer and I was just thinking - where is the epidural?! My OB was not able to come in early so her partner came in to check on me. I was at a 2 and 90% effaced. Alyssa's head was either at a +2 or a -2 I just can't remember. But labor was progressing well. We talked briefly about doing a vaginal delivery, but I was already set on the c-section. Sometimes I wish we had talked about it longer and maybe I would have chosen the vaginal route, but maybe with Abby's head concerns we still would have done the surgery. Who knows. I hate what ifs...

Anyway finally about 4:30am I got my epidural. So wonderful. My contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and I was having a really hard time with them. They were making me really dizzy and I was a little worried about passing out. But with the epidural I could just feel the pressure, not the pain. I was a lot more patient after that. We were trying to wait until my OB could get to the hospital to do the surgery, but with my contractions getting closer and closer we decided to go ahead with the delivery. Once we made that call, I was surprised at how quickly things happened. Within minutes I was wheeled to the OR, it took them just a few more minutes to put all the drapes up and such. And before I knew it Mark told me they had already started cutting.

The delivery was also pretty quick. Mark was standing by my head looking over the drape (and taking pictures!). He was so excited. I was a little out of it. I had demanded that they lower the drape when they deliver the babies, but even so I couldn't see anything. They showed me each baby but that was a blur. I started getting pretty woozy and light-headed. I got to hold Alyssa for a few seconds while they worked on stitching me back up. Mark left with the girls. I remember at one point hearing them counting over and over to 20 or 22. I, confused, asked Mark what they were doing... well they were counting how many blood soaked rags were used during the surgery. Needless to point out- I lost a lot of blood. I was pretty pale and light headed for a couple days.

I don't really remember being wheeled to recovery. I remember realizing I was there. Eventually Mark came back and brought me Abby. We decided on their names (who was who). And then Mark left again to go with the girls to the NICU. Since they were so little ( 5 lbs and 5 lbs 5 oz) they required a 6 hour observation in the NICU. Mark and my parents went with and got to spend more time meeting my girls. I was a little jealous.

Whatever they were waiting for in recovery finally happened and I was moved into a post partum room. After the 6 hour stay both girls were brought down to my room! I finally got to see both of them together and hold them. My family was there and it was a lot of people. Mark's parents joined us as well. It was fun to have so many people celebrating but I didn't get a whole lot of personal time with my babies, but I was sure there would be plenty of time for that.

A little drugged still... But finally holding both my girls! Abby is on the right, Alyssa is hiding on the left.

I was totally dazed still. I didn't really know what was going on. I hadn't registered yet that these were my daughters. After a while, they went back to the nursery - I don't remember why... pediatrician wanted to see them? I don't know. But that night they sent Abby back up to the NICU. That story next time.

The Sleeping Question

2012-01-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

Seems like a popular discussion lately, so I'll add my two cents worth of experience.
We always wanted to get the girls to sleep in their own bed and go to bed on their own. I was a little anal about it. I didn't want them to fall asleep when they were being held or anywhere but their bed. That didn't really happen... For the first few weeks there were just some nights that Alyssa would not go to sleep. M would pick her up and put her on his chest and they would sleep like that for 5 hours. It was wonderful. I was always worried about it, but they never moved an inch and she slept so well. And some nights, I would end up doing the same thing with Abby and all four of us would be sleeping on our bed. Although Abby never would sleep on my chest, she would in my arm next to me. I never moved when she was there. I always sleep cradling a pillow though, so I frequently found myself waking up afraid to move as I tried to feel and remember if I was holding a baby or a pillow.

Daddy and Alyssa Oct 29 (3 weeks old)

We always left the default as they go to sleep in their bed (which still is a raised pack n play). But when they were too fussy they would sleep with us. It wasn't too often that they would end up in bed with us. So it was more the exception than the rule. Now they don't come in bed with us anymore because they are really good at sleeping on their own. Maybe I just lucked out that they are fine on their own. But it is pretty nice, and it was also nice to cuddle with them when they did sleep with us. M loved it. Like I said, I started out totally against it, but discovered that sometimes you need to be flexible, and I did what I needed to when the need arose.

Grieving with my sister

2012-01-20T17:45:00.000-08:00

I have not been very good at posting anything on here. I apologize. I will try to post more frequently. I have been reflecting this evening on the journeys we take to be mothers. My sister informed us tonight that at 10 weeks her baby has no heartbeat. This is her first miscarriage after giving birth to 5 beautiful children. I've been on the edge of tears all night. Motherhood is not easy. Becoming a mother isn't always easy whether child #1 or child #6.

I am especially grateful for my daughters tonight. They are healthy and growing (still super small though).

1 week old also

2011-10-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

My adorable Bluebear was also born last week. She is still in the NICU. I love them so much!!

1 week old

2011-10-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

My sweet Apple was born last week.

33w3d "Stretching the Limits"

2011-09-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

I'm still here! and better yet, the babies are still inside me! It has already been a month of bed rest (you'd think I would be better at posting...). For the most part, it has gone very smoothly, and yesterday we had an ultrasound to see how everything is going. I was pretty anxious the night before (the couple days before). I was sore and wasn't really sure if I was leaking "water" or not. But everything looks great! The babies are growing well, my cervix hasn't changed at all during the last month, and the fluid levels look good. The Dr was surprised I still hadn't delivered... but we are stretching out this pregnancy as much as we can!

The babies are also doing an excellent job stretching out my stomach. They had a serious growth spurt last weekend. It was incredible. Seriously, over 2-3 days there was a huge noticeable difference. M thinks that just since then he can already tell I've gotten bigger. The babies are 4 lb 10 oz and 4 lb 1 oz and are supposed to put on about a half pound a week! So I expect some more stretch marks coming... I'm just so glad to see them growing!

29w1d. "Not Yet"

2011-08-14T13:16:00.001-07:00

Not yet is our new motto. I just got back home from 72 hour stay in the hospital for pre-term labor risk. My cervix had started funneling and dilating but now it is under control and has stopped progressing. Bed rest for me now. Hopefully for two more months but at least weeks. Nap time :)

27w5d "Baby back ribs"

2011-08-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of baby back ribs... Unless it's my baby's back (or butt) and my ribs. Sweet little Bluebear is really pushing up now. Sitting down is getting very uncomfortable. She really digs in when I am sitting and leaning forward at all. Like at a computer or desk or my drawing table... It makes it difficult to do much.
It is another one of those things about pregnancy that I don't like that much but wouldn't give up for the world. She can kick my ribs all she wants as long as I get to be her mom. (Apple, too. But she likes to kick my bladder).

26w1d "Bump"

2011-07-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

Bump #1: I decided yesterday that I am going to make some bumpers for the girl's cribs. I am not really very good at sewing....but I am going to give it a shot anyway. I finally had picked out that I wanted a green and white bumper to contrast with the pink in the room. I have been looking for a green bumper that I like. I couldn't find anything! Then yesterday M's mom took me to some fabric stores (for a reupholstering project she is doing for our nursery). I promised myself I would not even attempt to make my own bumpers if it cost more to make them than to buy one. So I gave myself a $20-30 range.
Of course, I ended up finding some fabric that I hope will turn out just perfect and the total for the fabric and batting was $27. I was out of excuses. The pattern looks really easy. I hope I don't hate myself for saying that or for deciding to try to do this. My last home DIY sewing project was a disaster. I made some curtains. They don't look that great and they were WAY more expensive than just buying some. Oh well. I guess you could say I'm a little more cautious about what sewing projects I start.
If only my sister-in-law wasn't such a perfect seamstress....

Bump #2: 25 weeks (yes I know it was last week, I am just that slow at uploading)

25w6d "Glucose part II"

2011-07-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Got my GTT results...finally. I had to call the Dr's office and pull it out of the nurse with pliers. The Doc hadn't had a chance to look at them yet so the nurse wasn't going to give them to me. I was NOT waiting until Tuesday. After some pressure and a nice long hold (where I assume she probably called the Dr). She told me everything was normal. Yay! No gestational diabetes.
Still going to up the exercise though.

25w4d "glucose"

2011-07-20T09:09:00.001-07:00

Once again I took way too long between posts. I apologize. And once again it's been a crazy week.

Apple seems to be doing best out of the whole family. I got an ultrasound on Friday. Apple is still totally normal and healthy and was 1 lb 11 oz. Bluebear is looking pretty good, too. Her ventricles are 10% larger than the normal range but they haven't grown at all and if it stays like this she won't need surgery! That was (cautious) good news. She was 1 lb 10 oz.

I'm doing ok. My back has started to give me real trouble sometimes. Getting comfortable at night is getting harder because of the back pain. Hopefully, the back brace will arrive today.
Also, I failed my glucose test on Friday. Just barely. I was looking up more information about the test ranges. My results are considered a fail by some Drs and a pass by others. I was right on the border. So that means that this morning I drank 100 g of glucose and get my blood drawn 4 times instead of 50 g and 1 draw. I'm just about up for my third draw. Man, I don't like these glucose tests. I've been nauseous since I took the drink two hours ago. I'm jot sure which is worse. The nausea or the orange flavored burps...
I'm really hoping that I don't have gestational diabetes.

M is having his own issues. He sprained his ankle a few weeks ago playing basketball. It has been healing pretty well, but last night he was playing again and busted it even worse. It was huge. We may end up going to get it x-rayed.
Oh, and M's grandma just got out of the hospital after a week in the ICU and heart surgery. She flew in from Georgia. M's parents brought her to our house for a BBQ and within 10 minutes she was at the hospital. Fortunately, we live 3 minutes away. Unfortunately, M's parents live 45 minutes away. After a week spending days in the ICU and nights in our guest room (if you can call 5 hours a night) M's mom was ready to go home. Wasn't too inconvenient for us, but the poor woman was so totally exhausted. Grandma is doing better now.

So...It's been a little stressful around our house. I hope things are a little calmer for the rest of you! I'll try to get the pictures up soon.

21w5d "Catching Up"

2011-06-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

I am sorry it has been such a long long time since I wrote. I have been very busy and tired. Mostly just tired. Last week we did an MRI to get a better picture of Bluebear's head and make sure there are no other visible problems. It was so long and uncomfortable getting the MRI done. It took 2.5 hours because Apple and Bluebear kept moving around.
Later the neurosurgeon went over the pictures with us. Bluebear's hydrocephalus was confirmed. Fortunately there were no other problems seen. Apple looks great. We talked about the options for surgery when Bluebear is born. I left talking to the surgeon a little less nervous about the whole condition and surgery. There is also a chance still that she won't need surgery.
That chance seemed a little more real when a couple days later I went back to the perinatologist who said that her ventricles are smaller than they were two weeks ago. Yay! Who really knows what that will mean in the end.
I've been feeling pretty crummy the last week or so. The babies are really starting to crowd out my stomach. I am not really very big yet, so I am a little worried about what the next 4 months will be like as they get even bigger and even higher into my stomach. I have still been sleeping okay. Not too great but I am able to sleep in to make up for the quality.
It has been fun feeling the girls moving around. They have started to go nuts just as I lay down for bed. Apple (I think) especially. M was able to feel it the other night, too. It has been a little frustrating because they will be kicking and moving around, M will put his hand on to feel and they will just stop. But at night they seem to be a little more consistent. Which was good...M was getting annoyed when I would keep trying to put his hand where they were kicking. Fortunately, the other night when I put his hand on, right as he was starting to complain the girls started kicking him. He stopped, feeling a little sheepish... Thanks girls!
Anyway, overall I am doing pretty well. Just waiting...and trying to organize their room.

18w4d "Turbulence"

2011-06-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had our anatomy scan with the perinatal Dr. We got to see our little girls (they are girls pretty much for sure now!) for about 30 minutes. They are so stinking cute. I can't believe how much I love them already. Both babies are growing and are just about the same size and right on schedule. Apple (baby a) is breech, but it is too early for that to even matter. She is totally perfect. Blue Bear (baby b), unfortunately, has hydrocephalus. We don't know how severe or mild it will be, but her brain is not draining fluid correctly so there is fluid building up and taking up space where brain should be growing. We don't now much more at this point. We don't know why the blockage is there or if there are any other problems associated. She will have surgery after birth and periodically throughout her life to install a shunt to drain the fluid into her stomach. She could end up with mild to severe mental retardation or she could be perfectly normal. We are trying not to get too stressed and sad about it, but we are obviously worried about our little girl.
If we learned anything from our journey with infertility, we learned the Lord is in control, and we need to put our trust in Him. Please keep her in your prayers.

17w0d

2011-05-21T09:19:00.001-07:00

I had my 16 week appt with the OB this week. Everything looks good as far as we could see. She wasn't at all worried about my weight gain (3 lbs). The hearts are both still beating. We couldn't tell at all if they were girls or boys, so we are still going with girls. I think my sister was more disappointed about that than we were. She really wants to know 100% before my shower on Tuesday. The OB and I had a long chat about delivery. Pretty much M and I need to decide if we want to do a vaginal birth (if possible) or go ahead with a C-section. No decision right away but just thinking about it. I'm still leaning towards vaginal if at al possible.
I've been feeling a lot better lately. But that being said today I am exhausted and enjoying plenty of round ligament pain. My feet have been bothering me some but as long as I put them up occasionally I'm okay.
Anyway, my plane to Utah is boarding! Gotta go. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

16w0d "Feed Me"

2011-05-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have finally got my appetite back - mostly. I started being hungry all the time last weekend, but then I got this crappy cold and lost all desire for food again. The last remnants of my cough and stuffy nose are lingering, but I do feel much better. And I am now eating like crazy. I'll spare the details. Partly, I am just hungry. Partly, I was a little concerned that two days ago I weighed 3 lbs more than I did when I got pregnant. I'm now up to 4-5 lbs. I plan on bringing this up with my OB next week (the appointment is finally coming around - switching from 1 week appts to 4 weeks appts makes it a really long wait). I don't really know much about when I should start to be gaining weight, how much, etc. We'll see what she says. I'm very ready for this appointment. In the mean time, I'll continue eating to my heart's content.
Disclaimer. I think that I feel like I am eating more than I really am. I eat lots of meals and snacks but my stomach doesn't take much to fill up these days so I end up gifting about half of my plate to M. Which means I am hungry 3-4 hours later for a snack. So I think I just feel like a pig... that and my stomach suddenly started to poke out!

15w1d "The M-word Day"

2011-05-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

Certainly being pregnant this year has dramatically changed my Mother's Day experience. Last year, I hated it. I was trying so hard not to cry and think about what I wanted so badly while the world celebrated those lucky women who had it. It was I think harder than any other holiday. I don't want to say much about it today, I think it has mostly been said on all of your blogs. I had a crappy day but it had nothing to do with Mother's Day. I got a terrible cold yesterday so I was just plain sick. All congested and gross. However, that is not what I want to say either. I was just reading on M's cousin's blog (a totally fertile mother of 2) and was so touched by her post. She posted today to infertiles - expressing understanding and ending with love and hope. It was awesome and totally made me smile. It was the most perfect and touching Mother's Day post I have seen.

I hope that everyone made it through today and has a great week ahead!

14w3d "Thoughts"

2011-05-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

Whatever calendar schedule you follow, I am now in the second trimester. Everyone keeps telling me that this is the best time of the pregnancy (yes, EVERYONE...). I am feeling a lot better but still vomiting 2-3 times a week (isn't it nice that this is improvement). My appetite has started picking up and I seem to be in this weird state in which I feel like eating all the time but have a couple bites and am done. I haven't really experienced any cravings or aversions - at least not any more than before I was pregnant. I either feel like eating or not. I have had a couple times where I was pretty set on what meal I wanted. For example, I really wanted grilled tuna fish sandwiches for dinner the other day. I had to buy pretty much all of the ingredients because I am usually squimish about tuna fish (this is about the only way I will eat it). But I was determined (craving? I don't know).
I have mixed feelings about changing from weekly ultrasounds to monthly ones. I miss seeing my babies and making sure they are okay. I have had some cramping on and off which I think is normal, but I sometimes just want to know that they are okay. I have enjoyed not making the long drive though. I am counting down until my next appointment which is 2 weeks from today.
I'm still not showing, although Sunday night my friend was trying to convince me that I was. It was less convincing after multiple people at church were commenting that I didn't look pregnant, especially not with twins. I'm still okay not showing. I haven't bought any clothes yet so I'm glad I still mostly fit into mine.
We are going to a family reunion with M's family for the rest of the week. I think it will be pretty fun. It is not an extended family thing, just M's parents and his brothers and sister. I'm a little bummed that I won't be able to participate in a lot of the activities and games, as there will be lots of athletics and such things. I usually have a better time playing that sitting and watching. We might go boating. Anyone ever heard of that being a problem? In the end, I'd rather be pregnant than participate though, so I will be sitting. It will probably be too hot for me to want to play anyway.
That reminds me of a conversation I was having with my mom the other day. She was asking how I was feeling so I told her: tired, nauseous, with a sore back. Her response: "Be careful what you wish for", with a giggle. I immediately jumped on that. I am not regretting being pregnant at all. Yes, sometimes, I feel like crap. But guess what. I'm pregnant. That is way more important to me. I would not trade it back. I wasn't even really complaining, I was just stating how I felt. My sister sometimes responds the same way and it really bothers me. I love being pregnant. I don't enjoy all the symptoms but I finally have life inside me. I think it is hard for them to understand how I feel about this pregnancy. They got pregnant easily. My mom had 7 pretty easy pregnancies (except for a miscarriage). My one sister, L, has had 5 hard pregnancies and my other sister, R, has had 3 hard pregnancies. R hates being pregnant and it doesn't seem like she really loves being a mom. They have very different pregnancy and conception experiences and I don't think that they have realized that fully. I mean, I don't think they have realized that the difference in our ability to conceive greatly impacts our thoughts and emotions during pregnancy. Working on upping the communication level...
Anyway, enough random snippets and soapbox.

13w1d "No Show"

2011-04-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot if I am showing yet. Mostly by my family who all live in different states, but by anyone who doesn't see me often. And I get a lot of surprised looks as we have started telling people that we are expecting twins. Today at church this sweet little 8 or 9 year old girl, who's mother just had a baby, got this very concerned look on her face and stared me down looking from my face to my belly, back and forth. Then she said very worriedly, "but you are so small! How? How is that possible?" It was so precious. I had to remind her that even her mother was still small at one point.
Today at Easter dinner, M's family was expecting to see some sort of bump. I'm just not showing yet. To illustrate this point, I put the following 3 (horrible and unflattering) pictures together. This is me at 7, 10 and 13 weeks. Can you tell which is which? Um, no. If I didn't already know, I don't think I could either. They are in order. 7 weeks to 13 weeks, left to right.

I don't mind that I am not showing yet. I find talking with people about the pregnancy is a little awkward for me, so I don't mind being under the radar. I have been a little surprised at how easy it has been for me to say that they are the result of IVF. I wasn't sure how I was going to be with that, but it seems pretty natural - usually. I only bring it up if people ask about twins running in the family or if we were really shocked or something like that. I thought it would be hard to be open about it. I think I have gained a lot of confidence about talking about infertility through blogging about it and reading your blogs. Thanks to all you for reading and inspiring!

Which brings me to a slight oops moment... I would like to draw some attention via facebook to National Infertility Awareness Week. However, last night we announced our pregnancy. We didn't do a big post. I don't want belly shots and ultrasounds on facebook. So we posted the ultrasounds on our personal blog and shared the link with "Twins". We thought that would be less obnoxious. However, it seems to me like my next post shouldn't be "Hey everyone its NIAW." So I'm trying to think of a fix. Maybe I'll just wait a day or two and then post NIAW. Maybe it doesn't matter that they are back to back. Any suggestions?

12w4d "Recap"

2011-04-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

Welcome to ICLW week! This is my first full ICLW week as a pregnant person and I totally understand if right now you want to close out and find someone else on the list to read about. I get it.

I am now 12 and a half weeks pregnant with my little miracle twins. Our perinatologist thinks that they are girls! and yesterday I walked out of my REs office for the last time in hopefully a couple years at least - well unless I go back to say hi or something. But I graduated with two heartbeats so I am now a "normal" pregnant person for the next 6 weeks (until my next high risk appointment).

I am not showing. I have not gained any weight yet. I am still throwing up occasionally (like once a day). I am not as tired anymore though, but I sleep like crap now. So pretty much life is good. I don't feel too sick, and feel just a little pregnant. Everyone seems to say the second trimester is the best - so I'm really excited for it. We are almost there depending on who you ask.

My week of Dr appts is over so I get to relax. have a 30 minute drive to all 3 Drs and so I usually call my mom, dad, or siblings. They were always confused because I was calling them on my way to my Drs appointment, yet again. But that is over now. and I'm down to 2 Drs and no appointments for 4 weeks. It was really scary though on Tuesday coming home from the OB. It was right before lunch, and I was pretty hungry. And I didn't think about it at all when they took 3 vials of blood right before I drove home... So I'm driving down the freeway, 70 mph, talking to my dad and my hands start going numb, tingling like crazy. Then my feet, and I'm having trouble breathing and starting to get super light-headed. I'm only 7 minutes from home now so I think maybe I can make it. But I am hyperventilating a little and can barely move my fingers. So I decided it probably wouldn't be good to pass out driving 70 mph and surrounded by semis. So I got off and bought some candy at a gas station and a drink of water at their cafe thing. The waitress was super freaked out when she saw me. I was all pale and sweaty. Took like 15-20 minutes to feel somewhat normal again. Moral of the story-- EAT and carry snacks with you (especially when you go to the Dr and get surprised with blood draws!)

12w3d "Surprise!"

2011-04-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

This week is very doctor happy. I have three appts in as many days! Yesterday, M and I went to see our high risk perinatal specialist. It was a whirlwind appointment but the babies look good. NT measurements were "good". And guess what, he thinks they are girls!!!! We were totally not expecting that. We've been talking about our baby boy since 2008 when we started trying. Don't know why we thought we were having 2 boys but it looks like we were totally wrong. We are super excited about girls, too. Just totally surprised. I was already thinking blue nursery and clothes... Not anymore! Flowers and butterflies here we come! It is still early and he wasn't positive but we're going with it for now.

I'm now sitting on my OBs table (with no pillow-lame) waiting for her to come in. And tomorrow I graduated from my RE's office!! After the onslaught of Dr visits this week it will be a strange 4 week wait before I'm in again.
Oh she's here...

11w3d "Growing"

2011-04-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Today's appointment was pretty routine, and the nurses didn't do much to make it feel otherwise. I was the only one there but I still felt like I was totally rushed through my ultrasound. Maybe just in comparison to last week when the nurse was real slow and just let me watch them kicking around for a minute. I don't really have much to complain about though. They are doing well. They are big - like 2 inches long now! They were moving like crazy so it was really hard to hear the heartbeats. Actually we only got one's heart rate, but they are both still beating! I was a little worried they wouldn't grow very well this week because I was pretty nauseous and didn't eat too much. But today was the first day they measured days ahead of me. Usually they measured 2 days behind but they were 2 days ahead today. Not too big of a difference, but I was surprised! (who knows how accurate those things are though)

Since we are going ahead with the shower in the end of May, I have been registering for baby stuff. This has been very weird and a little overwhelming. First of all, I have no idea what I want and need for a baby, let alone twins. There are some many items available, and I am sure 90% is unnecessary. Plus it is just weird to think about buying things for our babies. I am still in my first trimester (almost done though!). I can't picture baby stuff in our house yet. So I feel like I have just registered for this that and the other and we'll see what I still want in 6 months. It is a strange feeling to be having a baby shower for me. Exciting, overwhelming and a little unnerving.

Win-A-Vasectomy Campaign

2011-04-07T09:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Ingrid,

I am writing concerning your current "Win-A-Vasectomy" Campaign. Although I disagree philosophically with the main premise of limiting human reproduction, I believe that you are entitled to that opinion. I support your goal to have dogs and cats spayed/neutered. I have no problem with men voluntarily choosing to receive a vasectomy. My concern arises with the claim that you are promoting human sterilization in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. According to the dictionary, "to honor" means 1) to hold in honor or high respect, 2) to show a courteous regard for. How does your campaign show respect and courteous regard for the following goals and purposes of NIAW (found at http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html)?

ensure that people trying to conceive know the guidelines for seeing a specialist when they are trying to conceive.
enhance public understanding that infertility is a disease that needs and deserves attention.
educate legislators about the disease of infertility and how it impacts people in their state.

I am trying to understand your perspective on this claim. I would very much appreciate your explanation as to how you think your campaign honors NIAW. To offer sterility "in honor" of infertility awareness seems as ludicrous a claim as honoring cancer awareness by promoting radiation showers. Your campaign seems to have nothing to do with helping the public and legislators understand the disease of infertility, the emotional and physical consequences, the current treatments available, and the need for funding and research. It seems that your campaign has the goal of creating more infertile people. That goal does not honor NIAW. Neither does it strengthen your campaign for spaying/neutering animals.

I ask you to please respect the purposes and motivations of NIAW and all those that have struggled and are struggling with infertility and remove the connection between your campaign and NIAW. Thank you,

Amy Broadbent

10w3d "Summary"

2011-04-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

I had my 10 week visit today. I love seeing them every week! It will be a bitter sweet graduation to "normal" pregnancy when I won't get weekly ultrasounds. They are looking great. Moving around like crazy, they just make my heart melt.

I thought I would copy Mrs Lemon and record a bit of my 10 weeks pregnant life.

How far along: 10 weeks 3 days
Symptoms: Tired (exhausted), Nausea (and no appetite), Sore Uterus, Gas, Constipation,
Baby Related Purchases: Not yet.
Maternity Clothes: My sister gave me a maternity dress for my birthday last week. So I now have 1 item.
Sleep: Love it! Pretty light sleeping, occasional potty trips, usually I get to sleep in. YAY
Best Moment of the Week: The ultrasound. Plus non-baby related, it was General Conference this weekend so M and I got to listen to the Prophet and Apostles. Always love that.
Sweetest Moment: M trying to hear their heartbeats through my belly.
Movement:I can see it on the ultrasound and sometimes I think I can feel them moving, but probably not.
Cravings: Mac and Cheese, Pizza,
Gender: We still think they are boys...
Belly Button: In
What I miss: Not much, Feeling good I guess.
What I am looking forward to: less than 2 weeks until my big detailed high risk ultrasound. Supposedly we will be able to find out the gender (even at 12 weeks).
Weekly Wisdom: Keep busy, even if you feel crappy.
Milestones: No more hormone meds!
Sticky Bun is the size of: a prune?

9w5d "All by Myself"

2011-03-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

So my appointment on Tuesday went really well. I was nervous because of all my soreness, but the nurses attribute that to growing pains. I expect I'll be having a lot more of that. The bloodwork looked really good - well good enough to stop the progesterone yesterday. So I am holding this pregnancy all by myself! So far I think it is still going well. I still have nausea and soreness. We have been waiting for this for awhile. The ultrasound was by far the best one so far. The are growing and are on schedule. (I don't know how, I feel like I haven't eaten anything). They are about an inch long from crown to rump! My babies last week looked like gummy bears. This week I could clearly see arms and legs and they were moving all over! Baby A was waving at me...while Baby B was just banging his head around. It was so fun to see them kicking and squirming around. I can't feel it yet. I wish M could have seen them. The pictures I brought home don't do them justice. He is going to be able to come to our big ultrasound in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm excited for him to finally see our kiddies.

I'm really glad to be off all the hormones. I'm not too worried about the transition off the stimulants - maybe I should be? But so far, I'm feeling the same. M is more nervous I think. He is always the more cautious with optimism. But I think that if on Tuesday I still have good hormone levels he will be more relaxed about them sticking around. This has been his milestone. He didn't want to share it with people at work, aka his boss, until I'm on my own and stable. So I think maybe in the next couple of weeks we will start thinking about telling people.

We are going to have to start telling people soon because my mom and I just scheduled my baby shower! Weird!! It will be super early by normal standards. I know most people don't have showers before like the 28th week. Mine is scheduled for 17 1/2 weeks. I feel a little silly having it so early. In fact we were all hesitant. But here is why. #1 The shower is in Utah. I live in Texas. #2 OB doesn't want me flying later on in my pregnancy due to the extra passengers (after 32 weeks). #3 Neither does my OB want me flying between 20 and 32 weeks if there is ANY problem. #4 That isn't predictable and my mom would rather have me come early than not at all. #5 All my family is going to be in town that weekend (like huge extended and immediate family). So that is what we have planned. I'll just have whatever showers in Texas way late to average out :)

Anyway, Nap time. :)

9w2d "The Grand Return"

2011-03-28T13:40:00.001-07:00

Well, maybe not so grand. I realize I have been a really crappy blogger lately. I've disappeared practically since I got pregnant. I've been trying to keep up and read all your blogs, but I apologize for also being a horrible commenter. I will work on being better.
So far the pregnancy has gone pretty well - I guess? I've been pretty sick - which makes me want to do nothing (hence the lengthy absence). I thought I had it under control. I would only throw up in the early morning or late at night and now only sometimes. But I threw it out of whack Saturday night and was not able to keep much of anything down Sunday. Feeling better today. I've also been tired and constipated and all the other fun things that go along with pregnancy. But I think after waiting so long I have a different perspective on the discomforts. It feels like that is just the way it is to be pregnant so it doesn't bother me too much. I am able to get naps usually which is super helpful. The headaches are the hardest part for me.
But it seems like despite all that the babies are doing well. Yes, I said babies. We are having twins! We are super excited - and very aware that we are only 2 months and still on progesterone supplements. We will be much more comfortable with the viability once I am stable on my own. I came off the estrogen last week and so hopefully my levels are still good. I check them tomorrow.
One thing I love now about infertility: once you finally get pregnant, you get lots of looks and pictures of your babies! I have had 4-5 ultrasounds now and even though they still look like grapes to me, it is so fun to see them and watch their little hearts beating! I think I am going to miss that once I am released from the RE. I did have my first appt with the OB last week and she is sending me to a special high risk ultrasound expert so I should still get extra good pictures.
I am a little nervous about twins. I'm nervous I might have to have a c-section. I'm nervous something will go wrong. But most of the time I am able to stay positive. My uterus is quite sore today which it hasn't been before so that isn't very comforting. I am anxious to make sure everything is all right tomorrow.
I called the OB this morning because of the soreness. She thinks it is because I did a lot of activity this weekend and told to me take it real easy today. I hope that is all. I'll let you know tomorrow.
About this weekend - it was so fun. M and I went to Washington, D.C. where he ran the National Marathon with his 3 brothers. They all were amazing and finished it! I am so proud of them and it was really fun to spend the weekend with M's family. (his parents and all wives - and most kids - were there, too). M and his brothers are a little competitive. Mostly though, they didn't even care - they just wanted to be able to finish. It was a little refreshing. Not all competition was gone, though. The night before (big pasta dinner at Olive Garden) M's eldest brother scoffed at M's statement that he would finish in 4:30 especially since he had done the least training. M (the youngest of the 4) responded with a time of 4:27 (ten minutes ahead of the next brother). He was exhausted and sore but pleased at having finished. I did a ton of walking and standing around to cheer them on at various points of the race and at the finish. After a few hours of warming up, eating and resting we spent all afternoon and night visiting old friends who live in the area. We had a blast. It was fun looking back to compare the visits. It made it clear how different relationships can be. They were all super enjoyable though. It was also interesting to see the reactions to our news. We haven't been telling people outside the families but since we were there in person... They were all super excited and it was actually really easy to talk about having done IVF with them. It was so refreshing. I found out that my friend's mom had done IVF as well. I had no idea. I wish I could tell everyone face to face one at a time. Too bad that won't happen; I live 1600 miles away from most of them. By the time we finally made it back to our hotel it was 1 in the morning. Such a fun night. I really felt the exhaustion yesterday though. Pregnant women need sleep. Especially to fend off nausea. Oh well. It was worth it (as long as the babies are ok and just sore from walking and puking). I don't really care for puking on airplanes though. That wasn't so fun.
Anyway that was a very lengthy catch up post. I'll try to be more consistent and shorter now. Maybe even some pictures...

7w0d "Blah"

2011-03-12T17:38:00.000-08:00

I'm back. I had a great trip with M and my family. The biking was fine and some days felt really good. Now that I am home, I have just been crashed out on the couch mostly. I am exhausted and super nauseated. So I don't really feel like blogging very much.
A couple of nights ago, M said something that summarizes how we both feel. We were awake in the middle of the night (partly due to me being sick, partly from jetlag). M said something like, "I feel bad you are so sick - but not really - and I feel bad that I don't really feel bad that you are sick."
Before anybody takes that the wrong way, we both feel that way. I feel horrible, but I am so glad that I am pregnant and I am happy to know that I am still pregnant. Yes, it would be really nice to be one of those women who doesn't have any morning sickness or indigestion, but I am not. So I'm a happy sick pregnant woman (although sometimes I do want to cry because I can't stop heaving - temporarily not happy).
Side-note. I am not currently very happy with the performance by BYU tonight. SDSU has done a great job shutting the cougars down. Still, disappointing. Hopefully they still get to go to the NCAA tournament.

4w6d "close to the vest"

2011-02-25T08:58:00.001-08:00

I had my second beta today but, I haven't got the results yet. There is a new nurse who drew my blood today. I was asking her about what my appt schedule would look like now and when I would get my first ultrasound. Today! Well at least that is what she said. So she puts me in a room and I get undressed and in the stirrups. Then, the real nurse comes in and says it's too early to see anything and the other nurse doesn't really know the ropes yet. But since I was already on the table she decided to try the ultrasound and see if we could see anything. Well we did! Yay! But guess what. I'm not ready to share. I'm sure you are all dying to know if I'm having a singleton (I just love that word. It is so funny) or twins. I know my family is. But I haven't really been able to have my pregnancy secret. My sisters got to wait like "normal" people to announce their pregnancy until about three months. So at least for now, M and I are going to enjoy our little secret.
Maybe that is a little selfish but, it is our way of making this pregnancy a bit more ours. I think those of you that have shared with family and friends your IVF process have felt the same. Since they know you are doing IVF, they know pretty much right when you get pregnant (and so does the extended family?). There is very little that is intimate, just you and hubby. This is our intimate moment. We get share the ultrasound with just us. Just our happy little family. At least for a few weeks anyway.

IVF #1 CD 31 "Longest Day Ever"

2011-02-22T18:20:00.001-08:00

Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement!

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I think I was just anxious and stressed so, I wasn't feeling all too great today. But I drove downtown and got my blood drawn and filled the day with errands and work trying to distract from the phone call I was waiting for. I had a great lunch with a friend who just started TTC a couple months ago. She has PCOS and I am really hoping that she doesn't have to go through months and years of agony. It is always nice to be able to talk about things and have a good time. I ran to the dry cleaners as soon as they told me the found M's lost shirt (I was starting to get a little worried; it was one of M's favorites...). I laid in our hammock in a light breeze and absolutely perfect weather reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". My family would check in, see if there was any news yet...they were all anxious (well, so was I!!).

Finally, the call came (really it was like 4:45 but, it seemed like so late). The nurse gave me the results and I immediately start crying. I couldn't help it.

nurse: Are you still there?
me: sob yeeeah sob
nurse: Are you crying?
me: sob yes
nurse: Happy tears?
me (thinking): of course...you just told me that I'm pregnant!!!

I really couldn't stop crying. I was so happy and so overwhelmed. I managed to call and tell M who came home right away from work. We could not stop smiling and holding each other. It still seems surreal - I have a hard time saying out loud the words "I am pregnant". After all that we went through (and I know there are so many who have been through so much worse) I can't believe that it is finally here. I know it is still very early on but, we are grateful and feel so blessed to have good news today!

IVF #1 CD 30 "Welcome"

2011-02-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome ICLWers. To play a little catch up (I think my sidebar is out of date):
M and I have been TTC since the end of 2008. I had a septum removed, two injection IUIs and right now I am 11dp5dt on our first IVF. We find out tomorrow!! Technically we are not supposed to find out until Thursday (14dp5dt) but, I was able to convince the nurses to schedule me earlier because I am going out of town. I'm glad I don't have to wait even just those 2 days more.
I haven't been this tempted to pee on a stick for a very long time. But I won't, I'll just wait until tomorrow, jumping every time my phone rings.
Its frustrating right now because it seems like there are so many decisions we are trying to make right now that depend on whether I am pregnant or not. There isn't a rush to make the decisions but, they are constant reminders looming over us.
At the end of my IUIs I was pretty sure I was going to get negatives. I didn't feel pregnant at all. I was sick at first from the hormones but, then I got better. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. Right now, I am totally unsure - but leaning towards a negative. I still feel a little crappy and have bad cramping on and off. I know I can't trust my body but, I am not feeling it. Hopefully, I am wrong and, it's just me trying to prepare myself emotionally. There isn't really any benefit trying to analyze it right now. I just need to wait until tomorrow when I have actual results....
Sometimes tomorrow seems like so far away.

IVF #1 CD 25 "Sleep"

2011-02-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

Tired and bloated = bad post and good night

IVF #1 CD 24 "Busy"

2011-02-15T20:20:00.001-08:00

I don't have much to say today. It was a relatively calm and normal day except for a car scare. I got a weird engine sound and error message but it went away?? I'm tired. I'm trying to keep busy. I haven't been really thinking about the wait today. I can't say that I haven't thought about it at all but, it was definitely on the back burner today. Just got to keep it there one more week.
I started "three cups of tea" last night so that has sucked me in... So far I like it but I'm still very near the beginning. Anyone else read it? Reading it?

IVF #1 CD 23 "Just What I Needed"

2011-02-14T14:32:00.000-08:00

Something every infertile has dealt with is sharing or not sharing their struggle. It was very difficult for us to open up. We opened up at different times with different family members and friends. Some of M's siblings that we don't see very often (once a year or less) we never actually told. Wednesday night (the night before our transfer), M decided that he wants to tell the rest of his family and, I agreed. He sent out an email to his family saying what we were doing, that it was very important to us, and could you please keep us in your prayers. Much to my surprise, we only heard back from the brothers that already knew! My family is totally the opposite problem so, I wasn't expecting the total radio silence. I kept waiting for the "good luck" or "I'm so sorry. Of course, we'll pray for you". Some sort of response to our very important email. Even M thought it was a little strange, even for his family.
I was totally put to shame today for being so selfish when I got my mail and there was a package full of Valentine's and a sweet card expressing love and support from M's brother and his family. I cried a little. It was way more meaningful to me than I think an email would have been. Somethings the internet just can't replace.It was just what I needed.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T05:48:00.001-08:00

I know that I often focus way too much on how crappy IF is for me and don't give M enough credit.
M and I met in college. We actually lived on the same block; I could see his apartment out my window. Anyway, there was a large gathering in the parking lot between our apartments. He was flirting with one of my 4 roommates, S, and invited her over to his apartment. Apparently she couldn't believe that they have 4 couches! (not big apartments...) All M's roommates and a few other people were there so don't worry, it wasn't creepy.
A week or two later, S had set up a group date for us girls (trying to help out a friend who then decided not to come...) I was set up on this random blind date. Another roommate, N, didn't have a date and decided pretty last minute to ask M, who accepted. I later was informed he was most disappointed that I hadn't asked him. At this point, I was still more interested in another. The date was one for the ages. Most memorable date ever. My date was nuts! Totally insane. We had gone to Boondocks and my other roommates jumped ship to the other side of the park ASAP! M and N tried to stick it out with us but after my date was attracting crowds, they slinked off... I actually had a really good time. He was cuckoo but really nice and very entertaining.
That date did give us plenty of material to talk and laugh about for a couple weeks while M and I continued to get to know each other, bump into each other on campus, church, Facebook :)
About a month after we first met, M finally asked me out.
We got married in June 2008. M was living back East for the summer but came back to Utah for the week (via a business trip to the South...) I wish I could remember more about the actually day and reception but, it is already starting to blur. It went by so fast!
Happy Valentine's Day, M! You are amazing, smart, witty, encouraging, supportive, and so loving! (You are also super amazing with kids and I love/hate watching you play with our nieces and nephews. You will be such a great dad.)

IVF #1 CD 22 "Back on my feet!"

2011-02-13T19:23:00.000-08:00

It has never felt so good to get out of bed! I am supposed to keep on light activity today and tomorrow but, I want to run around and have a rather large list of things to do. First on my list of things to do was to SHOWER! I didn't even mind that our water heater is currently turned down too low so it wasn't even a very warm shower. It just felt so good...and my hair! I've had it in a messy bun on top of my head for the last three days (gross, I know). When I took out the elastic my hair just stayed there! It took a lot of washing and brushing to get it back to normal... but my mother-in-law did compliment me on my healthy looking hair. If anyone wants better looking hair- keep it on top of your head for 3 days!

I am very grateful for all of my sweet friends, visiting teachers, and family who brought us dinner but, M was feeling a little left out. He was bummed and a little hurt that I didn't give him a chance to make me dinner. I felt so bad! It was so sweet and, I would have loved it. I guess I just thought he wouldn't want to. Don't ever underestimate your husband!

M's parents brought dinner over tonight and, we had a lovely time eating and chatting and laughing. I am totally stuffed. But we had a great time. I am starting to get more and more attached to my little blasties (hopefully they are getting as attached to me!) I have been cramping today and last night. I find it very hard not to read into and analyze every signal from my uterus. But the cramping makes me hopeful. Maybe its implantation cramping... I just feel so hopeful right now. So much more hopeful and optimistic than I have in a really long time. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me but, I'm feeling so good right now. I'm not having any side effects, I am out of bed, I have 5 frozen embies and, I have 2 good quality blasts hopefully implanted. I was planning on keeping more of a not-pregnant-until-proven-pregnant mentality - protect myself. But that is not working. I feel too good right now. I can tell that M is hopeful but trying to stay cautious and distracted. Tomorrow, I begin with the distractions...

IVF #1 CD 21 "Reflections (or Ramblings)"

2011-02-12T11:43:00.000-08:00

While I think it is a natural reaction to back away from the blogging world during the 2WW (to try and distract and get away from the world of IVF), I like writing and am going to try to write everyday. Hopefully, I don't bore you or drive myself crazy.
Being on bed rest gives one a lot of time to think, along with back pain. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be pregnant. Other times I fret about the negative result that often seems inevitable. I've also thought a lot about what I want to do when I can move around again (I'm getting a little restless). I have projects I want to do - like get our garden started and make some drapes for our study. But, that isn't quite what I mean. I am not very dedicated as an artist. Sometimes I wonder if that is really what I want to do. Sometimes I think about going back to school and finishing my chemistry degree. The ultimate question is "to what end?" What is it that I want to be? Well the easy answer is "A Mother!" I think you all know how little control we have over that. and maybe in 9 months that dream will come true. But is that it? I don't mean to say that I don't want to be a stay-at-home mother and homemaker. I do. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more that I feel there needs to be something in addition to that. Something I'm dedicated to during nap time. Something that keeps me continually improving myself. Art always seemed like the perfect fit. But, I'm struggling with that. I don't have a vision of where my art is going right now and I'm not very excited about it. However, neither do I have a vision of what I would do with a chem degree if I got it. I don't want a job as a chemist - at least I don't think I do. Teach? Maybe. Tutoring? I think I may try to do that part time - you don't need a BS for that.
Hopefully after another day of bed rest (the last one thank goodness!), I will have some more clarity about what I want to do and be, regardless of the outcome of this IVF.

IVF #1 CD 20 "Couch Potato"

2011-02-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

I'm already tired of bed rest. Technically I've only been on bed rest 27 hours but, it sure feels like longer- due mostly to the unofficial bed rest all last week after feeling crappy from retrieval. So my body is sore and yearning to get up and move around and, my mind is now fully awake, too. Alas, two more days of this.

I found a pretty good app to remind me to take all my medicine. That has been helpful. It seems like it is always time for another pill of something.

Other than the sore back from being horizontal for too long, today was a good day. I felt more energetic than I have in a while and harnessed that into phone calls and a nice visit from my sister-in-law and her adorable baby. I have felt a little bit bad recently because when I have talked to people on the phone - mostly my family - I have been non-energetic and just blah - mainly because that is the way that I felt. They were much more excited and chipper than I was. However, today I was feeling great and had a wonderful chat with my mom. We laughed hysterically as I talked about yesterday and my bladder. It was nice to feel like I was alive and not sounding depressed. And it felt really good to laugh! I'm sure my parents were worried and glad to hear my happy and awake voice again. It was fun to talk with my sisters and laugh with them, too.
And I had a great time with my SIL and her cute 5 month old. Even though he was super tired and cried quite a bit. We talked and laughed. It was great to have some company today. There was one comment that stuck with me. She had mentioned earlier in the visit that on a previous occasion she had visited some friends and has taken her son. He was again fussy but, her friends seemed very concerned and annoyed that she couldn't get him to stop - repulsed even (no, they didn't have kids of their own). So after a while today of him crying, my SIL was apologizing that he was not in a good mood and hadn't napped well today. I responded that it didn't bother me. She said "I could tell." I wasn't really expecting that kind of response but, it got me thinking about why having a baby crying didn't bother me. I think it boils down to I want a baby, and babies cry and spit up and explode diapers and, I want it all. I can't imagine any one who has tired so hard to have a baby of their own get annoyed at a fussy baby- but maybe I'm wrong.

But before I get ahead of myself...The pregnancy blood work test. I will know next Tuesday. Technically I was supposed to wait until Thursday the 24th, but since I am going out of town on the 25th I was able so convince the nurse to do the test 12 days after the transfer. So only 11 days to wait...

M is now home from work. We had another delicious meal brought over by my dear visiting teachers (pulled pork yesterday and enchiladas tonight...I'm salivating for tomorrow already and M is totally getting spoiled). M is getting a fire going. I guess bed/couch rest isn't all bad.

(plus we got our final freeze count. We have 5 little frozen embies!)

IVF #1 CD 19 "Transfer"

2011-02-10T20:47:00.001-08:00

You were all right. The worst part of the transfer is the full bladder. And I had the "bladder award" for the day. It was huge and so so painful. I drank a ton of water all morning and especially once we got to the clinic. I was really worried about peeing on the Doc. Don't worry, I didn't.

Out of our 14 embryos, 5 were blasts today and some may be blasts by tomorrow so after putting 2 in today we have at least 3 frozen. Yay! Hopefully we'll get more frozen tomorrow but I am happy about the 3.

The transfer went well. I had to pee so bad though so it seemed to take forever. I was having a hard time concentrating on anything else. Also, the Valium made me flushed and hot so I wasn't very comfortable... And then the Doc came in and used the ultrasound... Yep more pressure on the bladder so not fun. And I couldn't relax for the speculum so that was more uncomfortable than usual. If I ever have to do this again or advise anyone else going in. Don't over load the bladder! Get it full but not about to pop. The nurses and Doc were so nice about it though. They could see how much pain I was in. After the all clear the nurse went super fast to transfer me to recovery and brought me a bedpan right away. I have never been happier for a bedpan. I think I peed for a whole minute. Bliss.

Then I got to look at the pictures they gave us. We got a picture of each blast and the ultrasound of them right after they got put in. That was the first moment I felt that they were mine.

IVF #1 CD 18 "Ready?"

2011-02-09T20:16:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is my transfer. I am ready. I have a hard time thinking of my little embryos as my little babies. Once they are in me I am pretty sure that will change- and definitely if they stick. But right now there is a barrier. Right now they are very intriguing ball of cells and hope. I don't even know how they are doing. We'll find out tomorrow.
I am ready to have the back in me. I wish I felt 100% better from the retrieval but, I am at least much better. I still have horrible gas. It is so bad! It's kind of funny because I rarely have gas, especially loud gas.
Anyway, I'm ready to go tomorrow. Plus, the sooner tomorrow comes the sooner the 2WW is over. And I'm exhausted so good night.

IVF #1 CD 15 "Excited?"

2011-02-06T15:35:00.000-08:00

I'm on day two of recovering from the unpleasantness that is egg harvesting. I was able to sleep most of the night and was feeling pretty good when I finally woke up around 9:30. So, I decided to go to Church. We had Stake Conference which was only 2 hours and I made it through the whole thing - although I did use M's shoulder unabashedly. I've been sleeping on and off since. Thankfully, my dear friend - one of my few friends that knows I'm doing this - brought us dinner tonight. It was most appreciated when I woke up starving.

All day I have been analyzing my belly trying to figure out how bloated is "severe bloating". I do not want OHSS. I was starting to get a little worried - I'm a worrier sometimes. But when I woke up from my nap my tummy was way smaller and didn't feel bloated anymore! YAY! My biggest complaint right now is a stomachache. I'm not nauseous or anything - it just hurts. Hopefully that will go away soon.

We got our fertilization report this morning. Out of 25 eggs (how did I get 25 from 23 follicles? I don't know) we got 14 that fertilized. We are going to do a day 5 transfer on Thursday.

One of the things we have been thinking about lately is excitement. My family is really excited about everything I tell them. I am not. We have 14 embabies growing. I am hopeful that there will be great quality embryos to transfer among these 14. I'm not very excited though. Excited just is not the right word. It is like celebrating at halftime if you are up by 1 or 2. The game is not over. You can feel good about the way you played in the first half - but there is so much more left to go. I will be excited when I get pregnant and really really excited when I have a baby in my arms. I'll rush the field when the game is over. But not before the clock reaches 0:00. I don't feel that this is totally understood by family and friends. I feel like they expect me to be super excited at each turn. I understand that things moving in the right direction is a good thing - and I am very happy and thankful for that. I just can't afford to count my chickens before they hatch - or my embies before they implant as it were. That may seem very pessimistic but, it is not. There are no guarantees, no sure things in IVF. I think it is very realistic to feel the way I do. I still have hope, I still pray that this IVF will work. I just won't celebrate it until it does. Does that make sense to anyone besides me?

IVF #1 CD 14 "Recovery"

2011-02-05T10:37:00.001-08:00

Well we had retrieval this morning. It went well. They wouldn't let M come in and watch. The iv needle wasn't so bad but, I really don't like those. They got 23 follicles. M was really sweet. I m having a hard time waking up. Its been a couple hours but I'm still a little groggy. My right ovary really hurts. I'm trying to remember. The nurse said I'm risk for OHSS hope that doesn't happen. I remember m getting me dressed with the nurses help and trying to figure out the pad. I was really cold chattering like crazy. I remember being put into wheelchair and M helping me into the car. I was finally warm with the heat and the sun on me. M called my mom said I was having a hard time. We went to his brothers. M carried me in. I'm trying to sleep but I can't the pain is bad. Should not have turned down the vicadin. I'm still tired though. Nauseous? Kind of I can't tell. Fertility report tomorrow. Anxious.

IVF#1 CD 12 "Fire it up"

2011-02-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

As of now, the big scary winter mayhem has not arrived. Forecast was for tonight and tomorrow morning...we'll see. The RE did decide to close his office tomorrow so they had me go in this afternoon and check to see how the progress is coming. My follies are doing well and getting bigger! The nurse estimated that I will trigger Saturday or Sunday night because there were some little follicles that she thought the Doc might want to mature. There is another office (a little less than 1 hour away) which will be open tomorrow and so she told me I might need to go to that office because I was so close to the trigger point. Well, that idea didn't sound ideal. I wasn't really excited about the 30 minute drive - how about a 50 minute one? of course, in the end, I know I would have done it.
Regardless, it is a moot point. It turns out I am supposed to trigger tonight! Which means I am retrieving on Saturday. I was a little surprised to hear that. I was expecting to hear that we were "pushing back" the retrieval until early next week. So I am relieved and excited and ready to be moving forward! Only one more shot (I hope - although last night's was the first time they didn't really bother me at all, go figure). Plus, I am ready to relieve some of the pressure in my lower abdomen and back (Krista, I really don't know how you managed with 50! I have 15 and am complaining about the pressure and size). I have to stay up to give the trigger though. I'm almost thinking of going to sleep and just waking up to do it - but really, it is only 10:45 and we usually end up staying up that late anyway. We like to aim for 9:30 but, let's face it, we are pretty bad about enforcing that. I have been sleeping like crazy this week though. The stims have knocked me out.
Due to the weather, M's work sent them home early - about 3:30. It has kind of been a fairytale afternoon - real life version I guess. Come home, M chops up some wood (with a power saw), light a fire, cuddle on the couch, watch the Office and Human Target, and doze off - with a light dinner around the fire somewhere in there, too. I love cuddling by the fire and watching the flames (I wish I could capture them in some way that did them justice. The colors and shapes of fire are so beautiful to me). In short, it was a perfect afternoon, especially perfect for icy weather!

IVF #1 CD 11 "Humid Subtropical?"

2011-02-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

I am supposed to be living in a "humid subtropical" climate. Well, I am freezing my butt - well EVERYTHING- off! (as I am sure most everyone else in the country is, too). I actually love snow and hope that it snows a little bit since it was in the 20s today but, I don't think that is going to happen. At least, it won't happen until Friday morning when I am supposed to be driving to my last monitoring appointment. I have no concern about me driving into the city - I am worried that 1) the RE will close or 2) everybody else on the road has no experience with snow and ice in a city that is not really equipped for winter weather (a friend said that the roads might actually be closed except for emergency vehicles). I guess I'll see how the forecast holds up and give the doc a call tomorrow night to see what he might do. Friday is supposedly going to be my last appt before I trigger - so I don't know what would happen if I can't get there.
Today my follicles were looking good. There are still 15 all between 10-15 mm. Now, Sunday looks more likely for retrieval. I have no problem with that - I just don't want to go too early because we couldn't monitor on Friday. (and I will have a problem if we trigger later than Saturday - I'll be out of meds). The not-knowing can be so frustrating and stressful to plan for sometimes. I don't want to run out of meds but, I don't want to buy more if I'm not going to use them. Risky, but I really doubt that I'll need more than Thursday and Friday night stimming.
Anyway, I hope everyone stays warm and safe during the storms! (and I hope M gets work off due to weather tomorrow...that would be nice.)

IVF #1 CD 9 "Ganirelix"

2011-01-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

My appointment went awesome this morning. The nurse had no problems finding my left ovary and I have pretty good follicle growth. There are about 15 follicles ranging from 14-7 mms so we'll see how many mature. I'm still on track to retrieve on Saturday. Which means... I started Ganirelix tonight. First impression: the glass syringe is totally intimidating but in a weird way cool. After giving the Follistim/Menopur shot (which has not gotten easier. If anything it takes longer to get up the nerve), the Ganirelix shot was painless! It didn't sting like the stims; I couldn't feel it at all. But then! It itches and burns and stings! I'd rather have the painful shot than the painful site after. Not excited about the rest of the Ganirelix shots.
Other than the shot I had a pretty great day. Got errands done, had lunch with a girlfriend, I even made a delicious and healthy vegan dinner. The emphasis on I made dinner! PS I don't subscribe to food diet terminology. I'm not vegan or any other thing. I try to eat healthy and enjoy it.

IVF #1 CD 8 "Sleepy Head"

2011-01-30T17:29:00.001-08:00

I'm taking it to be a good thing that I had to get a calendar out and count to find out what CD I am on. I'm not being obsessive! Anyway, I have been doing really well the last couple days. Thank you all for your comments which reminded me that I really didn't have anything to be discouraged about. I have 4 follicles growing on the right and who knows how many on the left, and I am doing just fine. I am ready to go to my appt in the morning and find that left ovary, though! I want to know what is going on!
So thanks for the reminders and encouragements! I kicked myself off the self-pity train and I'm feeling good. I am, however, tired. I slept for 12 hours on Friday night, 10 and a half last night and I was ready to go to bed again at 6! Hopefully all this sleeping means lots of follicle growth!

Awards!

2011-01-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

I received my first awards this weekend! I am really quite new to blogging so this meant a lot to me. Thank you to Krista at Diary of taking small steps toward baby steps for the awards. (Krista, Hope you are feeling better!!) It has been really amazing to connect with new people and get to know others who are going through IF. I am so glad that I started this blog.

So, on to the rules for the awards...

Rules for accepting this award:

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

7 things about me (Amy):
1. I am an artist. I graduated with a degree in painting in 2009. Sometimes painting is pretty slow around IVF though. Here's my art blog.
2. I met my husband because he was hitting on one of my roommates. And starting dating him after he went on a date with another roommate :)
3. I am a math/chemistry/physics geek. Don't get much practice anymore but, I miss my sciences sometimes.
4. I sing really loud around the house sometimes when M is at work. Belting may be more accurate.
5. I am really quite shy but, I'm trying to kick that habit. I often have a hard time saying what is on my mind (especially face-to-face).
6. I really don't like pets. I usually don't mind other peoples but really really don't like the idea of having my own.
7. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (mormon)

My 15 nominations (no particular order):
Alex at Alex's Adventures
ousoonerchick at One Day at a Time
Miss Mac at MAC and PC
Mrs R at Hearts Joined, Hands Fast
One who understands at One who Understands
Mrs Hammer at ...Expect Miracles...
Erika at Pollination Chronicles
Hopeisafourletterword at Hope is a Four Letter Word
Tabitha at Paper Airplanes
Fresh Conceptions at Fresh Conceptions
Tina at To Infertility and Beyond
To those who wait at To Those Who Wait
Sarah at Bio Girl
Foxy at Someday

You girls are awesome and have been so fun to read. I also really appreciate the support that I have received from your comments or your blogs. Especially as I begin my first IVF cycle. I love getting your comments and encouragement. Thank you!

IVF #1 CD 6 "Chatter Box"

2011-01-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Forgive me; I fear this may be jumbled.
Today started out really well. I had a really fun chat with my dad and my sister the whole 40 minute drive to the RE. So I was all awake and in a good mood when I got there (and I was even on time today!) I wish I could find the post I read the other day. It was talking about how invisible infertility can be because we can have a hard time opening up about it. Anyway, this article mentions how quiet and isolated it can be in the waiting rooms especially compared to cancer patients. When I read that I was totally reminded of my appt on Monday. The room was as full as I have ever seen it but, it was silent. You could have heard a pin drop. I remember noticing it on Monday and feeling a little depressed by it. So when I got to the RE, that article and my recollections of Monday were on my mind. I put my phone (and emails and blogs) away and struck up conversations - novel of me, I know. Anyway, it was a great experience for me. At least to my eye, it seemed to really lighten the mood of the room and, I think (and hope) it was well received. It was a little hard to get going at first. I almost gave up on the idea because I am little shy but, I am so glad that I put myself out there a little. Not only did the wait go by super fast (I almost wanted to have the nurse wait for me!) but, I met some really nice women. Definitely something I want to keep trying to do. Does anybody else have super quiet eerie waiting rooms?
Anyway, on to the actual appointment. The US was blah and, I am a little discouraged. I only have 4 follicles on my right ovary. They are all good size and all about the same size so, that is good, though. My left ovary was playing hide and seek and was really good at it. After turning the wand in every possible direction with every possible point of pressure, she gave up. So we don't know many are growing on the left side. My estrogen levels were not as high as the RE wanted them so, I'm thinking there the left side isn't doing much better than the right. I am a little discouraged. I was comforted to find out that the cyst on my right ovary has shrunk a tiny bit.
My follistim has now been doubled so hopefully we'll have better news (and be able to find the left ovary) on Monday.

IVF #1 CD4 "The Shot is Good"

2011-01-26T21:48:00.001-08:00

Late post tonight because I was watching the BYU vs SDSU basketball game! Awesome game! Sometimes I have a hard time getting into sports games. Not this one. The game was close, plays were exciting, and BYU won. Fun night. Jimmer was on fire, especially the first half. Anything he chucked up was going in. It was nuts. He has a great shot.
My shot was on fire today, too. I am definitely feeling an improvement though. It burns going in and for about 30 seconds after but, mentally it is a lot easier. I'm pretty happy about that.
I still was feeling great this morning but at about 5pm I felt tired and hot and slight pressure on my ovaries. Maybe the meds are doing something after all. I hope I don't feel like this for the next week. (but if I do, would that change anything? I'd still keep doing them.) I'm a little anxious to see the US on Friday. I still wonder about the cyst. I don't want to have my cycle canceled.
Or the discomfort is from meeting some friends for a walk and practically running to keep up! I exaggerate slightly but, they were cruising! I felt so ridiculous and pathetic: we were walking! Plus, now I have some nickel-sized blisters on the bottom of my heels. Despite that, it was a beautiful sunny day! No rain! Perfect to be outside walking.

IVF#1 CD 3 "Day Two"

2011-01-25T20:55:00.001-08:00

Well, day two of stims was a pretty normal day. I was really relaxed. I felt good. I started a new painting. I ran errands. I had a fairly usual day. I hope the rest of the stimming can be this normal. It probably won't because of morning appts but, at least today was nice and mostly IVF and IF free. I only had to pick up one prescription at the pharmacy and do shots. I love normal days. Plus, M came home for lunch today which I always enjoy! (definite perk to living 8 minutes away from M's work and me working from home)
Shots were a little late today because we were out doing errands and I had this mystery shopping thing that was for a certain time only. It was my first mystery shop. We'll see if it is worth continuing in the future - maybe I'll just stick to learning how to coupon better, which I do like. Getting stuff free through coupons is so satisfying. Sounds super cheap but try it sometime. It's great. Anyway, I'm getting way off topic here. It's late and I'm just waiting for M to come to bed so I'm rambling. But the shots were much better - well at least a little better - than last night. It took about half the time to mix them. Even the shot was less painful - but not by much. Other than the pain of the shot I have had no side effects. I keep telling myself that is a good thing (and I am glad I'm not sick) but, I can't feel if it is working or not. But thats why they use US. Hopefully, I will continue to feel great and have US show great growth!
Anyway, I'm rambling again. Good night.

IVF #1 CD 2 "Green Light!"

2011-01-24T19:50:00.001-08:00

Yes, I am copying Krista on the title formats - hope that's alright :).
After a rough morning, lots of Google, dreary rain, and a ton of uncertainty about the cyst, I had a full afternoon of the same things, plus impatience. I was so sure that they were going to postpone the cycle and just wanted to hear it and put it behind me. Usually they call by 5, 5:30pm at the latest. At 6:30pm(!) M and I were getting concerned - did they forget about us? What about my shots tonight- do I take them or not?
Finally, finally they call...and we are good to go! I was actually surprised. I was totally prepared to wait (at least I think I was...) so, it took me a minute - I almost started crying!
Here we go! I gave myself my first IVF shots-which were way more painful than I thought they would be. For my IUI's I only had the Follistim and, I didn't mind the shots. However, the Menopur and the Follistim were brutal. I do not like them but, I'll do them anyway. As my dear M said, "No pain, no gain." Such a wise and comforting hubby I have.
I am relieved and excited to finally be starting. There was so much waiting, wondering, questioning, waiting. Now we are finally doing something. My retrieval is "scheduled" for 12 days away. That seems so close! Things are moving and moving fast. I hope it stays that way...

The Gauntlet

2011-01-24T10:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it appears the IVF demons have taken my last post as if I threw down the gauntlet and, they decided to pick it up. The rain has not subsided but was horrible the whole drive. Really poor visibility and a little hydroplaning, I made it, though (and only 12 minutes late). Probably if I had been on time I would still have waited, but I sat in the waiting room for about an hour. The new nurse then couldn't find my vein, poked around, and then gave up and went to the other arm - at least I'm symmetrical.
My follies look good (yay), but it turned up on the US that I have a rather large cyst on my right ovary. Bloodwork will determine if it is still producing estrogen. If it is, we will have to postpone the cycle. In the case that it is not producing estrogen and the Doc says it is ok, we will proceed as planned. But I'm really doubtful of that right now. The nurse said I still have a lot of lining to shed - that I have a big period coming. I'm thinking that the estrogen is affecting my mini-period. Also, my period has been really mucus-y, gross I know, and I'm thinking estrogen affects CM, too. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get bad news tonight. Thus, I am consigned to prepare myself to postpone the cycle until March. Silver lining - no worries on the bike trip :)

Now, what can Dr. Google tell me about cysts...

Feel Good Morning

2011-01-24T06:11:00.001-08:00

I am feeling so much better this morning. and I am no longer afraid of
falling asleep at the wheel. However, it is back to rainy, dreary
weather. And I am a little concerned that I haven't had enough of a
period. They said I should have a period after I stop the birth
control, but I've been spotting, mini-period at best. Does that even
matter? I don't know. Guess I'll find out at my appt this morning. So
to combat these downer influences, I am wearing my feel good shirt.
Anyone else have one? I love it, M loves it, strangers love it...I
always feel good in this shirt.
Bring it on, IVF

T-minus 1 day

2011-01-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are. Tomorrow morning I have my baseline appt for my first go at IVF. I've had a lot of emotions coming up to this day, but right now, I am just tired. Exhausted might be more accurate. Maybe from emotions, maybe from stress, maybe from getting off birth control, maybe from camping this weekend (which was really fun!), maybe from fasting, maybe from a busy day, maybe from all of the above. But it is 7:30pm and, I am so ready for bed.
But, alas, I need to stay up just a little bit longer. So I'll tell you about my last weekend get-a-way before IVF. It was actually a great weekend. We went camping Friday night with some friends. It was almost perfect. The only complaint we had was the temperature. We got up there and it was 34F - and the fire pit was really wet and cold. Consequently, it took a long time to get a fire going and hot. So we were real cold at first. We did have the best tin-foil dinners I've ever had so far; it just took them awhile to cook. Our friend Rachael had this great idea to get Reese's for the smores. So good! I love smores over the campfire, even the sticky mess.
That night it got down to 27F! But, we got these awesome sleeping bags as a gift from my parents. They were incredible. I was hot. Getting out in the morning wasn't very fun though.
But, I did and made oatmeal and hot chocolate - no wait on the fire that time:Maybe it is just me, but food when camping is so much better.
We did about a 6.5 mile hike (trail walk- not a whole lot of elevation change) and I'm feeling it in my legs this morning. The forest was really different from forests back in Utah, but it was still pretty- and the weather was perfect. By the time we left it was 55F and so pleasant.
I remember now how much I love camping and being outdoors.
The rest of Saturday we tried to get the smoke out of everything - clothes and hair mostly. I probably still smell like a bonfire. And then we started Ben Hur. It is a super long movie though so we finished it today. Pretty good movie but a lot longer than it needed to be.
Church today was also really good. It was our ward conference and the theme was "I know the scriptures are true". I am so grateful for the scriptures and for the Savior. I really don't know how I would go through IF (or life) without knowing that God loves me, that I am his daughter. I pray that this IVF will work and get me preggo, but if not, I pray I can find comfort, peace, and faith.

Decision Time...Again

2011-01-21T06:21:00.000-08:00

Back at the beginning of January when we decided that we were going to go ahead and do our first IVF, I thought that we were done making decisions. I mean what else was there to decide? We are going to do IVF/ICSI. (I did have to decide on a Pharmacy but, that was easy- call them up and see who was cheaper. Done) Well, I was wrong.
We went in yesterday for our teaching visit and just to go over everything with the nurse. We are getting all our questions answered and almost everything is making sense. But then, we start going over the calendar. There are no problems with the IVF cycle calendar, but in case it works and I get pregnant... we have a little conflict. So if it works, then I am supposed to get BW done every 2 days! Check hormones, make sure supplements are right and development is right. But 3 days after the pregnancy test, we are going out of town. So the nurse was like, "oh, it's okay if you are gone a couple days and miss an appt". Well, we will be gone 9 and I would miss 3 appts. Oh, and its a biking trip.
The nurses thought it would still be fine for me to go - the chances are small that something would go wrong that would have been fixable if I were here. They did worry that if something did happen which wasn't caused by the trip but happened, we would blame ourselves. (good point!). But, I was pretty stressed out last night. Should we postpone IVF? Cancel the trip? or stick to the original plan? Am I totally over-reacting? We don't even know if the IVF is going to work, and the nurses didn't seem very concerned about the trip.
Anyway, not really a fun night (followed by 1 hour in traffic trying to go somewhere 15 minutes away). After we were a little more relaxed, we came to this conclusion: Go ahead and do IVF now and still go on the trip - but if I get pregnant and everything is not 100% perfect, we are canceling our trip. I'm going to talk to the RE today though- just make sure that is okay with him. If so, I go off the birth control today and start stimming Monday!

Sweet Deal

2011-01-19T05:26:00.001-08:00

Who doesn't use Amazon.com? Unless you are one of those really few people, go get your $20 gift card for only $10! HERE is where the deal is happening. Enjoy!
(I know it is listed as a D.C. deal, but since they email the card to you, it doesn't matter where you actually live)

Pre-Cycle day 3

2011-01-07T10:06:00.001-08:00

The new year had begun and we have decided to go for it. We are starting our first (and hopefully last) attempt at IVF - and so far we feel really good about it. I went in this morning for my baseline and blood work appointment before I start birth control. Ovaries look good! Uterus looks good! So far so good. We'll have to wait for the blood work but I am not worried about that.
Let me just say that I love my nurse. She is awesome. Sometimes she may seem a little rushed but she is actually very considerate and gave me a bunch of free medicine and numbers to multiple pharmacies so I could shop around for the rest of the medications. Some were pharmaceutical samples, but a bunch were donated from a canceled cycle. The woman had breast cancer so she had to stop. Yikes. I hope she is okay, but it was really nice of her to donate her drugs. I'm on the phone now - on hold - tackling the other half of the list.
So far, what has surprised me the most is how different this is from an IUI. I did injections with both IUIs but that was so simple. This is so much more intense. I'm going to have to be really on top of all the meds - there are so many!
After my appt this morning, I had to go get more blood drawn - the pregnancy blood work up basically. 6 vials - I was getting a little woosy by the end. I don't usually mind blood. I watch all the needles going in and the blood coming out- the changing of the vials was a little icky though. Instead of filling up nicely like the first vial, the blood shot out and splattered all over the inside of the vials. That was a little too blood-like. Anyway, I made it through that, didn't faint or anything. I'm fine now - wanting a big burger - but otherwise great. The worst part was the bandage wrap ripping all my arm hairs out.
So, now that is done, not much is going on for the next week and a half. I take birth control and get all my drugs. We get our teaching appointment - and M gets a turn to do blood work! I paint. M goes to work. Life as normal as we can make it...

Happy New Year

2011-01-03T16:51:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2011. I have not yet really sat down and thought about the old year and looked ahead to the new year so it doesn't seem like a big change. I am planning on doing that tonight on my flight home or tomorrow once I get home and settled.
Hawaii was pretty good. I got sick and am still trying to kick some congestion so that was a bummer. Also, we got word the first day we were there that my grandfather passed away. Although this is something we have wanted for him for a long time, it was still painful to say goodbye. He suffered from severe Alzheimer's and was very unresponsive the last few years so he was ready to go. I am glad that he joined us for Christmas morning last week.
Most of us stayed in Hawaii until Sunday but my mom and sister went home that night. My dad followed after a day or two. And we rescheduled our flights home to attend the funeral. So it wasn't the trip we expected but overall it was still fun.
I didn't get much sun. I have super pale skin and I fry faster than anyone else I know. So even when I was out in the sun I was way too coated with sunscreen to get any color.
Oh well. Hopefully it will be worth it and I will never get skin cancer.
Hanging around my preggo sisters and their adorable kids went well. I didn't get down or jealous...until the night before we left. Well to be more accurate I got upset about doing IVF. It was New Year's Day and it sunk in that unless we decide differently we will be starting our first IVF later this week. And that scared me. I never wanted to get to this point and I'm scared it won't work and it is so close! So there I am watching football with my family and crying.
I wasn't loud and I'm not sure anybody but M even noticed. But later one of my sisters found out I had been crying and so we talked about it. At first I was just saying, I'm ok, I'm ok.... But my sweet sister just looked at me and said, "it is ok to say it hurts, it's hard." and then I really started crying. She held me till I cried myself out. By then my other sisters had gathered. We all talked about being scared, about being unhappy I actually am so infertile we have to do an IVF, about getting ready to start. It was so nice and I felt so much better after. I still don't know if we will do it but I feel much more calm and emotionally prepared. And it was nice to share how much it sucks with my sisters and feel their support.
We had the funeral today and it was beautiful. All his kids spoke and there was a lot of music. Military honors and bagpipes at the gravesite were so special. My grandpa was a great man. A doctor, a WWII POW, an awesome gardener, dedicated to his family and to God and a Scotsman through and through. I wish I could remember him better from before he got sick. I am very grateful for the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ so I can see him again and get to know him. I know he is happy to be gone and back with his wife (a miracle women as well - in a wheelchair for 55 years and never heard her complain). I can just picture them dancing.
I'm on the plane home now, and I am totally exhausted and emotionally drained. (is there such thing as emotional hangovers?) M is asleep across my lap. I fear it will be an early morning tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-26T20:15:00.001-08:00

I hope everyone was able to enjoy their Christmas. I had a bit of a strange day. I was really tired and not in a great mood. We were inundated with little kids opening presents and pregnant sisters showing off their bellies. I had a hard time focusing on Christ and his birth.
We spent the evening with M's family and I spent 95% of that holding my 6 weeks old nephew. My SIL offered him to me because I don't get to hold babies all day. Sad, but true and I love holding babies...
Right now I am on an airplane over the pacific with two two-year olds crawling on my lap. It is super chaotic, but I still wish we had one more...mine.
Now for the rest of my family vacation I am not going to be jealous of my sisters...

Perception?

2010-12-24T12:37:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas. I am just leaving the mall with my family and saw at least 2 pregnant women (not including my sister) it seems it is not a rare occurrence. So my question is are there more pregnant people now than 2 years ago... Or do I just notice them more?

Over Charting

2010-12-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

I used to chart everyday. Wake up and take my temp before moving, stare at toilet paper deciding how stretchy, how egg whitish, mark my cramping, my moodiness... I did this for over a year, making sure I was ovulating and that we were timing right. This got old quickly. I am sure anyone else you has charted for long periods of time would agree. It also became very stressful. Not forgetting, staring at graphs and finding patterns, making sure M and I were in the right mood at the right time. I became so focused on the charting; it was crazy! So I decided I had gleaned all I could from that awful ritual. I stopped. I haven't charted in over a year and I have not looked back. I understand that it can be a helpful tool in establishing patterns, tracking ovulation, and diagnosing a problem, but charting is not for me. Fortunately I have a pretty consistent routine going on, but I have stopped even keeping track of ovulation. There are signs I pick up on and then think, "is it already ovulation/period time again?" but I have found life to be much more enjoyable the less I focus on my cycle. Less stress, less depression and less tension (and better sex). And I don't think that not charting has affected us. Yes we don't have a kid, but I doubt charting would have changed that.
My advice: Don't let charting rule your life!

Drug Problems

2010-12-17T19:25:00.001-08:00

I have had the hardest time trying to get my drugs recently. IUI #1 went so smoothly by comparison. And even then it was a pinch. That time they only filled half the order -i.e. didn't include the Follistim - which is pretty important for injection IUI. But I caught that in time. Unfortunately, I only used half of the drugs but had to throw the whole cartridge away, which as you know was like throwing away $400! So I figured on IUI #2 I would get smaller cartridges. Well that was a disaster it took so many DAYS of phone calls between the pharmacy and the dr to get the right combinations and then it was the weekend so I was starting to worry about even getting the meds on time. I was so stressed and frustrated.
Perfect cure: an awesome nurse who put up with all my calls and then when I showed up for baseline handed me a free cartridge!!

Not Quite Sure...

2010-12-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

I am not quite sure what to think about the "Happy Birthday" episode of CSI:Miami. I think it was two weeks ago, but I don't know because I only watch the online version and I'm not consistent. But the episode opens with the above scene: a pregnant woman asking her best (and infertile) friend to host her baby shower. Naturally, the friend is upset - it was super inconsiderate and tactlessly done. But then the pregnant friend is upset at the "selfishness" of her friend...anyway the pregnant lady gets beat up and without ruining the episode, the infertile friend becomes a suspect because of her jealously.
So I have a few conflicting thoughts about this episode. First of all, I am glad to see the inclusion of us infertiles - in that it reminds people that we exist. However, I don't appreciate the show making us out to be selfish jerks.
Did you watch it? (If you didn't and want to, you can watch it here.) What do you think of the episode?

Making a Stand

2010-12-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

I am done planning my life around trying to have a baby. I am sick of worrying if I can go on vacation. I am tired of putting my life on hold. So I'm done. Instead, I will be fitting Doc visits and treatments and whatever else into MY schedule.
Is it selfish to want my own life? I don't think so. Anyway, that is what I have learned taking this break before we do IVF. I can't let baby-making consume me. I emotionally cannot let infertility control my life, and have everything else revolve around it.
I'm making a stand.

Faithful Pain

2010-12-09T06:36:00.000-08:00

Last night, M and I were discussing pain and faith. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (mormons), but I believe this topic relates to everyone, of every faith.

Recently, I read this post by Melissa Bradford. She lost her son in a river accident as he went back into a whirlpool to save a friend. My family knows the Bradfords well, and Parker was just a year or so younger than I. It truly was a tragedy. Melissa’s experiences are a perfect demonstration of what we concluded last night. Many (but not all) people – and sometimes, we - do not understand how grief and pain and faith relate to one another. There is this mentality that if you have faith, then you never will be grieving; faith must supplant grief, and if it doesn’t, well then you must not have very much faith.

First of all, that mentality is super judgmental. Second, it is totally wrong. M said it really well last night, “faith can make trials easier, but it doesn’t make them easy”. If trials were easy, what would be the trial? Is it wrong to grieve the loss of your son or the inability to have a child even though you know that the Lord knows what is best for you? M and I very strongly believe that the Lord knows us both individually. He knows what our strengths are, and He knows where we need to grow. He has a plan for us. Obviously, it is the will of the Lord for us not to have children at this point. Part of my faith in the Lord is having faith that the Lord’s will is better for me than my will. Does accepting the Lord’s will over mine, mean that I shouldn’t want to have kids? Absolutely not. It means that I can wait with hope. Hope that someday I will get to be a mother. Hope that I will be a better person because of the trials and pain that I go through.

The Annoucement?

2010-12-07T12:39:00.001-08:00

Now there is a “how-to” idea: How to tell your family you are infertile.

When we started TTC, I was thinking of so many different cute ways to announce that we were pregnant. I didn’t want to tell my family we were trying, but it was going to be a exciting announcement. But then, I didn’t get pregnant. While some women I know are really close with their sisters or other girl friends, I didn’t want to talk about it with my sisters, who were both pregnant at the time. So we didn’t tell anyone, and just forced a smile when people asked when we were going to have a baby. One of my sister’s figured it out after watching me holding her newborn…but that was back when we were just TTC.

After a while though, a couple of things changed. First of all, the Doc told us M’s sperm were essentially worthless. After this, we wanted – well, needed – our parents. We called M’s parents after we got home and even though they were 3 states away, we felt so much love and support. They were the perfect example of compassion, empathy, without prying and without advising. We never experienced so clearly before what it meant to “lift one another’s burdens” and “mourn with those that mourn”. My parents were also very supportive and it was a relief to share it with them as well, but they like (demand) details and have lots of advice and so it was different with them. Both honored our request for privacy (although my parents obviously disagreed- but hey, it’s my decision). It was really nice to share our pain with our parents and to feel their support.

The second thing that happened was I told my sister. She already knew that we were trying and she knew it wasn’t going well. So, I told her what was happening and she was comforting, mostly. She told me every story she heard about someone with infertility. I guess the idea behind that is to tell me that I’m not the only person in the world with problems and that there is hope. She has no way to relate to me (most fertile person ever!) and so is trying her best. Sometimes, that is not what I need though. (I’m sure you’ve been there). I did ask her to not tell the rest of our family. I wasn’t ready to talk about it and repeat every step over and over. It was really nice to have a couple outlets, but I didn’t want 7.

It went on this way for almost 6 months, all through my nightmare with the Doc and through my surgeries. I had M’s parents, my parents, and my sister to talk to, comfort me, (advise me).

Well, then I decided that I want to tell my other sisters about it… and what do I find out? Everybody already knows! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that our “secret” was out, but I was a little mad. My sister had called the others the night after I talked to her and told them. My dad told my siblings still at home. I’m not sure what made me madder: that they didn’t respect my wished to keep it between us or that after telling everybody, they didn’t bother telling me that they had blabbed to everybody. My other sister’s felt slighted because I didn’t want to talk to them and I felt somewhat betrayed. It was a mess. Some may say that I am just being selfish and exclusive, but hey, I was trying to do what I thought was best for my sanity and my emotional state. Still, such a mess. It took a long time to clean up (with some lingering stickiness).

Anyway, it wasn’t a good experience. It has calmed down since then. We still don’t like telling people. Only our closest friends and our families know- well and now anyone who reads this blog. (hopefully if my family reads it they won’t be offended…).

Besides the above disaster, I’ve tried to explain why I don’t want most people to know.

- Most people don’t know how to react. 99% of the time, I am fine. I am not depressed or on the verge of tears. People don’t really know what to do with that. Pity? Smothering?

- Because people don’t know how to react or relate, they tell stories and make up advice.

- It becomes your defining characteristic in their eyes.

That being said, I am grateful for the family and friends that haven’t reacted like this. That acknowledge my pain, acknowledge that they can’t relate, support and listen quietly, and still treat me just like they did before. Those are true friends. Thank goodness for them.

Catch-up: The Medical Journey

2010-12-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

M and I decided we wanted to forgo refilling my birth control in October of 2008. Most of that conversation is a blur, but I remember how happy and excited I was. My dream in like has always been to be a mom. I was going to finish my college art degree no matter what, but I didn't have ambitious career aspirations; I was going to be a mom who made art on the side. I was even more excited when my first period off birth control was 6 days late. I was already planning what clever surprise tactic I would use to tell my family a couple months down the road... Obviously that didn't end up happening. I was really devastated. M is more realistic about these things and suspected that was too easy to be true. We tried again. Thanksgiving came, and we spent the holiday with my family. I was tired (I usually am) and my sisters were pestering me about whether I was pregnant or not (ps, this is super annoying). I threw up Thanksgiving turkey and they were convinced (side note: my little brother also threw up dinner and was not accused of being pregnant). But once again, my period came. So passed the next 7 months or so until June 2008.
I had gone to the Doc at the university's health center to get tested for a yeast infection. During my chat with him, I mentioned that we had been trying to conceive for 8 months. He immediately started trying to help us out. He performed a Post-Coital test to see how many of M's sperm made it to my cervix. The results were dismal. He said he could not find a single sperm. We repeated the test, this time with me inserting a plastic-wrapped sponge to hold the semen in. The results were not much better. There were a few found, but all dead. As you can imagine, this was very discouraging. We didn't know at this time that many Drs think this test is useless. We were definitely worried. He didn't do a formal sperm analysis but found more positive results with an informal checking under the microscope. He was constantly asking M is he had played football or had any other reason to suggest testicular damage, and that was kind of annoying.
The Doc said he could try an IUI for us. Take M's sperm, wash them, and insert them directly into my uterus using a catheter, which would give the few living sperm a better chance to get through to the egg. So I dutifully checked my LH levels (which is super stressful - sometimes those stupid lines are so hard to read). We took M's sample in and waited for them to wash it. Then Doc came in. "No sperm." He then described how before washing them he had looked under the scope and seen some live and some dead sperm but after washing them - nothing, not even dead ones. The Case of the Disappearing Sperm is still unsolved, but the Doc made us feel like it was M's fault - that there wasn't sperm there in the first place. We were really upset and devastated. I remember M was really discouraged and felt so bad, so broken. I was hard for me to see him like that. I was really sad, too, really worried that I couldn't have his kids. But he was feeling it worst. He was also unsatisfied with the Doc's conclusion - that M just didn't have any real amount of sperm. So we went and bought a little microscope. We looked at a lot of samples and always found lots of living sperm. More questions for the Doc.
We set up to do another try at the IUI. Again stressful LH testing and a stressful collection. And guess what? The Doc didn't show! The nurse had forgotten to tell the Doc about his appt with us. He was able to make it a couple hours later. I was so worried that the sperm would die before he got there, I was trying to hard not to cry in the waiting room. He came, checked the sperm- there they were, washed them... there they were not, again. We were so mad/sad/confused.
The Doc sent M to a Urologist. Uro didn't find anything wrong, but was not very considerate of our questions. We may have been naive, we definitely didn't understand everything - which is why we were asking him questions. We were trying to figure out what was going on! He made us feel like idiots. We were not planning on going back to him.
About this time, I graduated from college and we left for an internship in Texas. Driving down, I remember calling to set up gas, electricity, internet and a formal sperm analysis with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). After M's results came back "stone cold normal" our frustration with the Doc was complete. The RE was mortified by our experience with the Doc and quickly dismissed the post-coital tests and couldn't understand what could possibly happen to make M's sperm disappear. Looking back, the only two good things about the Doc were 1) We spent <$100 and 2) He motivated me to talk to a real RE. Even though we had only been trying for 10 months and so were not technically infertile yet, the RE began running tests on me. The blood work and ultrasounds were perfectly normal, but he found a septum during the HSG. I was a little freaked about this, but M was excited - something that could be fixed and pretty easily, too. A septum is a piece of scar tissue holding the uterus closed. My septum closed off about 1/3 of my uterus and despite not being a significant cause of infertility, it is a big miscarriage risk. So I did a hysteroscopy to remove it. It was a very simple surgery done with a scope through the cervix. A month later, I was given a good to go. We decided at this point to keep trying on our own, despite the RE suggesting that the septum wasn't the cause. However, we were also almost done with the internship and would be leaving Texas again. M was going to graduate after one more semester so we would be returning to Texas in 4 months (he got a job with the same company). If things didn't work out on their own, when we got back we would try a real IUI.
Well, things didn't work out. So when we moved to Texas this spring, we started making preparations to try again. There were still no signs of a problem with me or with M, so we decided to stick with the plan for IUI not upgrade to IVF. I took injections, though. They made me a little sick, but mostly I was just anxious. I really wanted this to work. When I took the sample in to be washed, I was so nervous that it was going to disappear again. Thankfully, it didn't. They were able to perform the IUI that day and again the next. Then we started the 14 day count down until the pregnancy test. I was convinced it had worked until the day before I went in for my test. At that point I was pretty sure I felt way to normal to be pregnant. And I was right and we were both very disheartened. The failure didn't narrow down what may be the problem too much. We decided to take a month off and let our lives calm back down. De-stress and focus on something else. The IUI was so emotionally consuming. The month off was great- we really needed it. The second IUI was pretty much the same although way less stressful. We knew what we were expecting and we were much more realistic about the odds. It didn't consume us but we were still disappointed when it failed.
We still don't have a cause of why we can't have kids. For the IUIs we didn't have ideal sperm counts, but not really low ones either. We have taken a couple of months off before we to our first IVF treatment. It has been very nice to relax, not think about it, have a life outside of infertility. Both of us are a little hesitant to go back to that craziness. I know I'm a little hesitant to try and fail again. But right now, life is calm. As I said, my dreams were of being a mom, so I'm trying to remold my dreams. I'm working on my career as an artist. Being happy with who I am now, what my opportunities are now - not just living waiting. I'll have to write a separate post about that, this one is too long as it is.

Introduction

2010-12-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Amy. I am not a very open person when it comes to sharing how I am feeling- especially if I am hurting. I don't really like to share personal things. However, I was on Facebook this morning, and an old nanny of mine had written about crying in the infant section of a clothing store and how hard getting pregnant can be. I wrote her a message sharing briefly with her that I knew how she felt and that she was not alone. Then I started thinking...
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 26 months now. Only our immediate families and our closest friends know (remember, I don't like sharing and this is extremely personal). It has been really difficult, but some of the most painful feelings are isolation, feeling unable to relate and be understood. During those 2+ years, each sibling (married anyway) has had a child; our friends are either not yet trying or having kids of their own.
Over the last couple months, I have not been focusing on my fertility problems. I have been trying to focus on my career and my house and do something with my life besides wait to become a mom. I haven't thought or talked very much about my infertility. But as I said, today I started thinking.
I started thinking about how alone we feel, and how there are probably so many other couples out there who feel that they are alone, and I wanted to share. I wanted to share with you that you are not alone. And that we can be happy as we wait and wade through one of the hardest trials I can imagine. I wanted to share my dark places and the truths and hopes that brought my light, so that you can take that light into your darkest moments. So that we both can have peace and comfort while we walk through this valley of sorrow.